We're fading faster than the speed of light

I had hoped to continue my blog with a brighter/more cheerful post.
But at this moment I just need to write down how I feel.

I had a nice weekend, we had too many barbeque's but they were fun.
Except for the fact we fail to talk along about renovating houses, how to design our garden, simply because we don't have a house and normally will not have in the next 4 years.
I feel so incredibly guilty towards my boyfriend that I want to study, that I want to become a director.

With this guilt also comes a little voice in my head that's listing all the possible risks.
For instance I don't have a fully secured income, financial advisors for students have recommended a few things but every single one of them will depend on the goodwill of the person handling my file.
So if I get past the admissions there is that financial part, something my parents don't want/can't handle which basicly means I have either to live as a beggar or have to travel up and down for 2 hours + each day.
Travelling wouldn't be that much of a problem if it wasn't for the situation at home.
I don't even have a room where I can stack my stuff or just sit in complete silence for more than an hour.

At this very moment I'm on the edge to a mental breakdown and to be honest I feel so alone.
I don't want to bother anyone with the problems I'm having, they have enough of them already.
If I talk about it to my boyfriend he doesn't even tries to hide that he'd rather want to buy a house now than over 4 years.