#28

Okay, I think I got it al sorted out at the moment.
If I'm not signed up for college at the end of the week I will take a "sabbat"year like they call it over here.
A year which I will use to sort out stuff like what kind of support I can get from the government when I'm going to study, maybe already buy some materials I need for it etc.
A year that I will also use to do the 6months training to become a professional allround make-up artist and basic hairstylist (I really want this for quite a time, but never really dared to start with it, so now is the time I think =p). I feel that this is also a huge contribution to my ultimate goal => working in the movie industry.

So at this moment I'm looking for a job, because I want to be independent, maybe that will open my mom's eyes, that if she wants to give my sisters a future, she should get some spine and leave my dad or start to say something about his ridiculous behaviour. He freakin' ruined my youth, I don't want to see him doing that to my youngest sister to. She's 8 years old and supposed to act like someone who's 18, I mean come on. She's a kid, let her be one -.-
I missed being a kid, I grew up too fast, way too fast. Maybe that resulted in my love for comics and games and such stuff, I want to flee in something like that so I can forget about what's real, it has been keeping me up for years and it became like a drug to me.

I know people that if they want to do something or be something they just do it, I can't do such stuff thanks to my dad. In my youth when I wanted to follow drawingclasses he would go like "you can't draw, so why would I spend money on it" when I wanted to learn to play the violin (and i'm so angry still that he didn't let me) he was like "you're never going to finish even the first year" when I wanted to join something like the girl/boyscouts he was like "I'm not bringing you there and it's all just ridiculous waste of time"
EVERY fucking form of dream/initiative I ever had was turned down immediatly I can't recall how many times I cried as a kid for all of this, he kind of forced me into being a loner, I was never allowed to do what other kids did.
I sooo hate him for that. The fact that I don't have a lot of selfesteem comes from all this times he always made me feel like the only thing I could do was fail.
He took away the thing that keeps people alive, he took away my hope at being good at something I liked. For me it really feels like he's trying to ruin my life and I want it to end.

I do stuff behind his back, so he can't break me down on it ,stuff like making vlogs, modelling for people I know. Things that make me feel good when I'm doing them, even when I'm not quite good at it. It's just fun to do :).
On youtube I got like 2 or 3 followers, people that I didn't know before, people that I don't know in real life, just total strangers who likes my vlog.
Can you believe or imagen how good it felt when I saw that? Sometimes I need it to feel liked or appreciated, isn't that just human?