#15

Ever felt like just crying so hard that every last drop of water in your body is gone?
Ever felt like everything you had is just gone.
Without no reason? No reason at all.
Love is the thing in life that hurts the most of everything.
Sometimes I even think that dieing, no matter how, wouldn't be as painless as love is.
I really hate it that I gave my heart to him
And my mind is telling me that I should start to let go, start to get ready for changes
But my fucking heart can't, this is the worst thing I could ever imagen, going from a fear of binding with someone and now a fear of letting go.
It's always on my mind lately and the more I think about it, the more it hurts me.
I need to learn to let go, the battles of my youth, but I'm fucking tired about being as messed up as I am now.
I'm always the one that people can count on when they have troubles or need a shoulder to cry on.
But why does it feel like when I need a shoulder, I will only have my dog?
This is why I used and still not count on people. The fear of being hurted, but what is a life with no pain?
Sometimes I wish I had the brains of a psychopath, that I would stop careing and put myself in the first position.
It's getting this worse, that I'm doing everything possible in my way to find something which I can do that would actually makes a difference.
That's why I'm planning some promoting stunt that we can do in Antwerp to promote 3à seconds to mars.
If my boyfriend would know it, he would probably roll his eyes and say that I'm to obsessed or whatever about them.
But I wish that he would only know why I do it, it feels like the only thing that I can do where I matter, or atleast it's something to keep me busy, to stop thinking about us. About how much I love him but at the same time he starts to slip out of my reach and I hate it, I hate it to feel like I don't matter.
Even tho it maybe isn't like that at all. I just feel that way
I wanna be hugged and randomly texted with sweet words , just being suprised by turning up all of a sudden or just these little things that can make a girl smile.
maybe I'm just living in a fantasy world.
But I know that I should start an crawl up from this awfull nightmare into my dreams
but it ain't as easy as it seems.