#30

Wow this is my 30th blog. Couldn't help thinking of 30STM by that xD!
And actually I'm blogging now because I feel like shit, I really don't know what to do with my life anymore. If I'm not going to college = Bullshit from my dad because of it. If I go to college= it's my fault that my family get money problems then.
It's just sooo fucking unfair. I can't even decide for my own, because if I do so I get teared down even more -.-
I'm at this point again where I want to give up, just crawl into a dark corner and cry. I've been crying today, I normally only cry when I have terrible loads of pain. Today I was crying of agony, despair because I can't stand it anymore.
I think I'm gonna take a walk in the woods tomorrow, just to become one with nature once again. Maybe to scream at a point where no-one can hear me. I want time for my own but there's always someone around me, I don't even have a room with privacy -.-
I'm soo fed up, I thought I got over this, 3years ago but the symptoms just faded and are now coming back even harder.
Am I starting to slip in a depression again? Times of absolute happiness switching with this deep down moods?
I promised myself I wouldn't let him get me this far again and yet here I sit with tears in my eyes, not knowing how tomorrow or even the rest of my life will look like.
I wish I wouldn't have started doubting about myself again.
The only thing that actually made me smile today was when Nina mentionned she maybe was going to college in Ghent if her university doesn't turn out well and that's where I want to rent a little appartment orso when I go to college in Brussels, so we could be roommates =D I can't wait to do so ^^ She means more to me than she knows I think =P She is the person I know the longest from my current friends and we share so many interests that it can never get boring =p.


Wow when I wanted to publish this Lemon Tree from Fool's Garden just started playing, to be very honest that's like the song I always listen when I feel down =p weird weird mediaplayer =p