I'm Fighting my war

Okay it has been a while since a serious blogupdate, I started slacking on the picture month thing.
I guess I'm bad at finishing stuff I began, oh well I will do it but just not this week.
I'm on an emotional rollercoaster, I don't know how I came onto it, maybe it's winterblues, maybe it's just the thought of being stuck in a boring routine.
Well anyway one of the reasons I think that "unlocked" it again is because I finally went to a doctor again with my cough that is there since Octobre. Well I shouldn't have waited so long, it's my own fault that I'm send to a big lung check up in the hospital. The worst part is that I have to go alone, I don't want to be alone doing all scary things and I might keep myself looking okay for the outsiders, but inside I'm cracking up on stuff I'm worrying about.
To be honest I'm totally confused about who I am and what I should do, or no not what I should do, how I should goddamn get started with it.
The thing I should do is making videoclips and movies. The thing I should do is expressing what's inside myself but at this moment I lack the stuff to do it.
I've got so much inspiration, guess what I even think I got back my photography passion.
I just want to start producing stuff again. I read this special edition of Focus, a very good photography magazine here in the Benelux. The special guest editor was Erwin Olaf, I loved this guy his work and that's mainly why I bought the magazine ( it was pretty expensive ).
And the way he talks about photography, makes it look. I'm totally hooked again. Allthough videography stays my main prio.
I see so many artists now that I look up, I want to grow like they did, but to be very honest, I don't know how. I don't see how I should get started.
Maybe with buying a descent camera? With moving out of here to my own house, doing some evening courses or exam contract stuff on college, I need the money I gain from work so I can get my basic equipment.
And I now have an awesome idea that I'm going to try out this weekend, cross processing, or atleast I'm gonna shoot an analogue roll of 35mm pictures and then I'm gonna get them cross processed so I get wacked out amazing pictures.
Maybe I should set myself little goals, forcing myself to move on a bit further every time.
I should go learn to sing, to play the guitar, to write to express.
I need to learn how I shouldn't be ashamed about myself.
I wish I could buy some selfesteem.